to peter.

i'm sorry about yesterday, and i'm sorry if i ruined your mood too because of me. i just hadn't realized that that was really your one big event before going back to cali, and i was just being selfish. i wouldn't have realized if jenny hadn't called me and told me that what i said was mean, and i guess i just took it for granted that you'll be in ma. i guess that's what happens. when i see you again it's like oh yay he's back for good, and then that thought just sticks in my head even when you tell me otherwise. and i feel that it wasn't so much as my overthinking it as that there are certain nerves that still hurt when they're hit, no matter how many times i get put through it already. the past couple of weeks i've been repeating to myself in my head, i don't know what the fuck i'll do, or i don't know how to do this. i guess i really expected to just throw that off and relax, but being around so many people who are already on their way to success, i guess, in my mind was just like an ultimate putdown. i know i'm sensitive, and i know it shouldn't bother me, but it's just sort of this constant stabbing pain type thing in the back of my head.

i know you didn't need to hear all those things. i just... really want you to understand how i felt. at no point in time did i feel that it was anyone's fault, but i did attempt to lash out i guess. i'm sorry for that. and i'm sorry that i made such a poor performance of myself and just slumped over. oh, but all the girls squealing did get to me though. it's like deja vu of 9th grade, when all the boys used to chase the girls around and the girls would be like "no!" in this stupid high-pitched voice. or that's just me, cuz i'm such a party pooper. again, i'm sorry that i left on such a bad note. if i'd only remembered that the date of departure was THIS FRIDAY. i would've stayed, and even in a bad mood i would've tried to control myself. i really even wanted to stay a little later just to be able to talk to you a little more personally like we used to, but i guess it didn't work out that way. again, my fault entirely. i'm really really sorry.

p.s. - i didn't call you back because i ended up falling asleep with the phone in my hand =) mike claims it rang but i never heard it. i claim poor service. either way i hope you're not mad at me =(